I died when I was young
and now I’m vivid again
a thousand knives couldn’t hurt me now
today and before I’m standing tall
I’m standing taller than ever
I am a jaguar
Bold and Brave
deep in my beating heart
Oh today I’m a jaguar
When I first heard the words “I died when I was young and now I’m vivid again” I related in a way that was beyond what was perhaps intended by the artist.
I died when I was young. I don’t mean physically. I couldn’t quite put my finger on when the first death occurred but from a young age I experienced significant periods of crushing depression and anxiety. Every episode of depression is like a period of darkness, a death that you have to live through, not being sure, in the early days, that you will ever rise to the surface again. Through my teenage years I got used to this cycle, and the periods of depression became longer. The connection between my inner self and the physical life I was living became more and more tenuous as I struggled to function in a society that prefers sunshine to darkness. And why wouldn’t it? I carried the dark intensity around with me like a gravitational pull. It became heavier and heavier. I tried many things to lighten up my life and some of them worked for a while. Some things were like a gentle afternoon sun, warming me temporarily leaving me emotional polaroids of happy days; others like flashes of lightning that brought energy and power for an instant but ultimately left scars.
Only now am I beginning to feel vivid again. Since returning to my yoga practice in 2012 and finding within it’s broad spectrum of practices tools that can actually aid me in not only finding but facing my own internal workings things have started to change. You may look at me and think – that girl has it sorted – but if you think that I no longer experience depression you are mistaken. The difference is that now I acknowledge that this is a temporary state, just the same as happiness, pleasure or pain. All these guests visit our house (our body) at different times. As Rumi suggests, we should welcome them all. Each one has something to teach. You don’t let them come in a ransack your house. No, sit them down and offer them a cup of tea and ask them what it is they want to talk to you about. The work is hard, facing my fears has me up and down like a yo-yo from week to week, but I keep my practice consistent and know that I am not my feelings.
With each day that I acknowledge the messages being sent to me by my body chemistry I romance my Spirit further and begin to experience that integration between spirit and body that creates the VIVID in our lives. You know when something inspires you, as though it had reached down inside your body and drawn your spirit up through the gaps? Some things just crack you right open and the light shines out of you like a beacon. Consider working with those things. This is what I am doing in my life now. I am working with the things that make me vivid, because they are the things that connect me to myself and make me a clear channel through which others may experience their own light.
I haven’t mentioned my business development to Belize yet because I know if you have been reading my blogs since September, that you know what I’m talking about. If you’d like to read back, please be my guest. If you’d like to donate to my personal fundraiser, please access it via the links below.
Most important to me right now is that you discover that you are a jaguar. Maybe you can relate to my experience of depression. If so please click on the Relate link below if you haven’t yet sought professional help. These people are really great. The vivid comes in flashes which give us the opportunity to recognise how life can be when we reverse the chemical polarity in which we may be caught. Whatever the reasons for our dark places, please know that things can be different. It’s not easy but with persistence we can transform ourselves. Nobody on earth can do it for us. One day soon I hope you will find that you are heading towards your goal with boldness and bravery, feeling the vivid life of spirit and passion flowing through your rippling muscles.
Say whatever come what may
nothing will stand in my way
I am a jaguar
today I’m a jaguar
To donate to the fundraiser click here
Click here for more info on The Catalyze Retreat