Dubbed as an Independent Force of Nature by a canny school friend, I never set out to be conventional, and it’s just as well, because I never have managed it, even when I’ve tried. It has been a part of my life’s tapestry to discover the ways in which conventions can be challenged, not just for the sake of it, but for a better quality of life for all concerned. Settling, I have discovered, is, for me, a death to creativity. There needs to be change and evolution for character and creation to continue to develop. This is not a Universal view, this is my view, through the eyes that the Universe has given me.
So when plans seem stunted and are not finding their way to completion as often as I’d like, I realise that there is something celestial afoot. There is literally a celestial foot in the doorway I am trying to push through. So I stand back and reassess. Something is standing in my way. Someone actually, and I have asked them to stand in my way if it’s a part of redirecting my steps for good. You know when you read those stories about people whose lives were not great, so they sent a cry out to the Universe to say ‘help me!’ It all goes a bit pear-shaped for them and things started to go seriously wrong, but then much to their surprise they find themselves on the exact path they were aiming for. Suddenly they are writing a book about how awesome their life is as a coach/writer/healer/ entrepreneur – fill in the blank?
It’s very easy to think ‘Well it’s ok for them!’ because, well, look where they are now. It’s easy to write about difficult times when they are over. It’s easy to say ‘It was meant to be’ when it’s happening now. We can look at this a slightly different way. What is meant to be is what is happening now. Putting aside thoughts of ‘It’s not fair! Why am I always struggling?’ try asking, ‘what is this happening telling me? In what way am I standing in the way of my own process in this life?’
The Best Laid Plans
This year I have had a large number of ideas about what I will do with my business as a yoga teacher, healer and spiritual guide. I have all my marketing paraphernalia in place. All I needed to go was write the words and click ‘go’. This is, however, not what Spirit had planned. At the end of 2016 a PR expert re-wrote my bio to the effect of ‘I was depressed, lost and unhappy, but now I am functional, in a stable relationship and killing it, and I will show you how to do this too’. Well I think you and I can both agree that this is clearly bullshit. Not that I wasn’t unhappy and have a history of depression; not that I don’t now love my work, my clients, my son, my lover and my life, but the idea that anyone can have ‘made it’ full-stop. Life is evolving and transitional. In addition to this, I am a transitional being. Some might say ‘fickle’ or ‘faddy’ but I have come to realise that these accusations are inaccurate.
I f*cking love teaching yoga, (there is no better emphasis in this context), I love the spirit of yoga, the benefits, and its power as a tool to transform and heal. I also feel this way about the other modalities that I practice and teach. I feel this way about a number of things I don’t get paid to do like write, read and jump naked into freezing cold rivers. However, none of these things are who I am, which makes what I am about to tell you a little bit easier in a way.
The Struggle for Survival
As a single mother in what is effectively one of the top 3 most expensive places to live in the country (St Albans) it is near impossible for me to make ends meet working around the hours my son is at school, and doing the things I am called to. I could do more online coaching, and I probably will at some point but working shamanically in my practice and life, I need to be more in tune with nature not less. Screen work is destroying my eyes and polluting my energy field. That may sound a little extreme and weird, but I am simply stating the results of my own experimentation, and I can assure you Steve Jobs would have nodded sagely in appreciation of those words.
I began to look around me at my yoga teaching colleagues and discovered that many of them are either supported by a day-job partner or are not yet parents. It occurred to me that what I am doing is really hard! On the really tough days I would think ‘What is the worst that could happen?’ This would be; we end up homeless and have to move back in with my parents in Worcester, leaving behind all the friends, clients and community we have built here over the years. Then I thought, well, what if that isn’t the worst that could happen? What if we do that before we become destitute? What if, what seems like a backward step could actually be part of a healing process that will strengthen my roots and enable me to do the work that I’m best at, nourishing both me and the people I work with? What if, perhaps, this western nuclear family model that dissipates family communities is actually not the bomb?
Colouring Outside the Lines
This decision does not come without sacrifices. My lover and I at one point thought we might be in a stable, settled relationship. We soon realised this wasn’t the case and this wasn’t what we wanted or needed. Our love for each other is stable, but our relationship is open to change and transformation so that we can both be undergoing the alchemy needed to expedite the evolution of our creative souls. When we fly wing to wing we create a tornado! And we also need time to pursue our own plans and free our gypsy nature. I have every confidence in our love surviving geographical distance, in fact, it will open a wider space for our expansion.
So this useful blog about ‘what I’m going to do next’ is left rather open-ended. No excuses as to why I haven’t written in a while. No full explanations as to what the future holds. I’m giving you what I got. The searing excitement of a future where anything is possible.
With love and dedication to the expansion of one for all.